I tend to fall into believing that I am held to a higher standard than everyone else in the Kingdom. Satan is sneaky and tells me there’s grace for all except me.
And in times when I’m believing his lies, my lifestyle clearly shifts. I become much less vulnerable with the people I love. I don’t talk about my sin. I frantically obsess about maintaining a positive image both in real life and on social media. I’m awake much later into the night due to the worrying and lack of peace. It’s so hard to pray during these seasons because I feel like God is disappointed in me.
I’m there today.
I am Eve hiding from her Maker in the garden. I see the parts of me that are ugly, but I don’t want him or anyone else to know. I find a secret space and hide, grabbing fistfuls of leaves in an attempt to cover up what is shameful.
Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.
Genesis 3:7-8 (ESV)
I think, I’ll come to God and everyone else once I’m more presentable.
But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?”
Genesis 3:9 (ESV)
Have you ever dwelt on this verse? God sees Adam and Eve’s shame and sin and still goes searching for his beloved children. He calls out to them, “Where are you?” out of deep care. There is no “What have you done?” or “Seriously, what were you thinking?” but simply “Please come to me. Reveal your hearts to me. I love you.” He already knows they have rebelled against him and he still desires that they draw near. These are truly breathtaking verses.
Secure in the love and grace of God, there is no need for them to hide. And we in Christ can also admit our failures and rejoice because the blood of Jesus has covered all sin. As citizens of heaven, we are free to be honest with ourselves, others, and, most importantly, our good God.
In light of my own freedom in Jesus, here comes the truth:
I’m extremely resentful toward school right now. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. People ask me about college and I cringe because I feel like I should be more passionate about something, but right now there’s not a lot I get fired up about. I’ve been very lazy with my work as a result.
I messed up my attempt at completing a Whole30 big time. Like, I ate a whole delicious ice cream treat on Saturday. And today is supposed to be day 30 but I’ve been giving into temporary pleasure instead of living for long-term gain. My lack of discipline is incredibly apparent.
Dellan is the best man in the entire world, yet I’m constantly fighting him about silly things. He gives suggestions and I shoot him down. He tries to lead me and I clam up and start to resent him. Also, the purity struggle is so real in this last month or so and I’ve resorted to pretending like it doesn’t exist.
I have become the exact soon-to-be bride that I didn’t ever want to become–I worry about the wedding all. the. time. I am so discontent no matter what changes we make. It’s ugly.
I’m being a terrible steward of my time. I choose sleep over meeting with Jesus almost every morning. I also, less importantly, have not been exercising. What have I been doing with my time? Netflix, mostly. Grey’s Anatomy for the second time. Scrolling through my phone.
I am also securely entangled in the comparison trap. I deny God’s goodness all the time as I look at other orchestrated lives and deem mine a waste.
And it can be SO difficult, but I’m slowly starting to converse with God about these things even when I want to go into hiding. Like most hard things, it’s been so sweet.
This post is titled “Bare With Me” seemingly incorrectly for a purpose. The commonly used phrase “bear with me” means something like “please be patient with me while I try to become better.” I think that we unintentionally declare this to God when we live as though he impatiently waits to be presented with perfection. I don’t want myself or any of his children to live this kind of life anymore.
“Bare with me” means “uncover with me” or “reveal yourself with me.” I’ve witnessed vulnerability from one person lead to vulnerability from others, so I’ve laid it all out there in hopes that you feel safe to do the same. In saying that, I am not the one who needs to hear about your dirt, but I sincerely hope you go to God with whatever is making you run from him.
If you’ve been fighting him or waiting to speak with him about something, take this post as a sign that now is the right time. In Christ, you don’t have to hide because he has paid for all of your ugliness. You are no longer condemned. You can draw near. Get on your knees and just start pouring; he longs to hear from your heart.
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Romans 8:1 (ESV)
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16 (ESV)
Expose yourself with me. Don’t leave anything uncovered before your Father. I promise that I am struggling and growing alongside you.
And if you so desire, please let me know if I can be praying for you!