Infertility, But God

I’ve been waiting to become Momma to a little one for eight months.

Many would say I have to try for an entire year before earning an infertility label. One doctor assured me that, because I was given a diagnosis at 18 years old, I’m considered infertile after only six months.

Still another saw past the numbers, saying that whether it’s been one month or fifty, she knows that each one probably feels like a year.

That about hits the nail on the head.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned during this season of infertility, it’s that there aren’t hard-and-fast rules about when it’s okay to talk about it. When you’re allowed to label it. When you can actually start bringing it up to friends when they ask “What’s new?” over coffee.

And there definitely isn’t a rulebook for when you can share about it on the internet. But my real-life people already know, and my Father has asked me to write, so here we are.

To my friends who are just beginning their journey

and to those who are years down the road:

this one’s for you.

Now, I’m still in the thick of it myself. I’m wrestling with the Lord behind closed doors. Oftentimes I fail at preaching truth to my heart in the day-to-day.

Still, He’s taught me that some of the most painful parts of this season are covered in His goodness.

This road is lonely, but He is a God who sees.

When you scroll past another pregnancy announcement.

When you walk by that one empty bedroom.

When someone innocently asks, “Do you want kids someday?”

He is there. He sees your longing and dreaming and the list of baby names saved on your phone. He sees you choosing to cheer on your momma-friends. He sees your efforts to honor Him in the midst of pain.

Your persistent hope has an audience, and He is for your good.

You are my refuge and my shield;
    I have put my hope in your word.

Psalm 119:114 (NIV)

The pain can be fierce, but so is His love.

But what about when you’re staring at another negative test?

When you can’t quite pray because the tears are coming too fast?

He’s there, too. In the moments when even your husband or your best friends can’t find the right words to bring comfort, He can.

It’s tempting to believe that His promises won’t give life to your specific circumstances or that they must be for other people who are more favored than you.

But if you ask, He will show you how His love and careful design is written all over creation. All over your life. Yes, yours.

What love.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18 (ESV)

We will falter, but He will carry us.

There will be days of anger and bitterness. I’ve played the “But I Deserve It!” game. I’ve read Him my list of why I am well-suited and why D would be the best dad ever and why, therefore, He’s made a mistake.

My weakness has been on full display. I’m sure you’ve been there. Thankfully, He promises to show His power in our weakness. He will not let this season go to waste EVEN WHEN we aren’t walking through it perfectly.

We cannot mess up His plan for redemption and hope.

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5: 3-5 (ESV)

Whether I have months or years still to come, I know I’ll probably have more to say in the future. For now, I hope you are encouraged, dear one.

I am rooting for you. More importantly, so is He.

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